Do you have a hard time dealing with change? Are struggling with emotions related to loss of something?
Society attributes grief to loss of a person or death. The reality is that we can grieve anything that we feel that we have lost. Most people are familiar with at least five stages of grief but there are seven.
Many people struggle with change, although it is one of the guarantees of life. Part of that is because we are not taught about grief unless we lose someone, whether anticipated or unexpected. So, we initially attribute grief to the loss of someone but what about when we lose something important to us or have to make an important decision for the betterment of ourselves?
Here are several examples of things that people can and have grieved.
- Relationships
- Jobs
- Health
Relationships
Often times, Whether you are the dumper or dumpee, there is a process of emotional reflection that includes the feeling of loss. Depending upon the situation and the person, the feelings and how they are presented will look different. For example, I might feel hate towards my ex-partner because of how they treated me when angry but I also may miss the good times that we had and find myself longing for those moments. The feeling of hate may lead me to the grief stage of Anger but the feeling of longing can lead me to the stage of Depression. I then might question my decision or the other person’s decision which places me in the Bargaining stage. At some point I work my way to Acceptance but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel those other feelings. It just means that I’ve accepted that things have changed and this relationship is different for me. The next step would be to process and heal myself, so that I can be open to healthier relationships.
Jobs
Have you ever had a job that you really enjoyed but had to leave or it ended? I’ve had several jobs that I absolutely loved that have ended due to funding, or have chosen to leave. The job that ended due to funding was an anticipatory grieving experience because we had a deadline to close the program. Amongst the process of termination with clients, myself and my team were grieving the loss of community. We had a strong diverse team, and each staff member contributed something unique to the program and our clients. We experienced so much anger surrounding lack of funding because this was a place that people had come to for group therapy for dual diagnoses since the 1980s. For a lot of our clients this place was home and so it became a home for me. Although anticipatory, we could not emotionally prepare for the last day, we could only physically prepare. That frustrated us but also we accepted the factors outside of our control. We accepted this loss of community and hoped that the impact lasted.
Jobs that I chose to leave felt a bit harder for me and I grappled with naming my experience as grief. I’ve left jobs due to violation of boundaries, racism, discrimination, disrespect, nepotism, lack of care and physical & emotional unsafety. Most of my jobs involved me leaving clients behind or ending professional/personal relationships. I constantly struggled with leaving clients behind to deal with the system and the lack of advocacy on their behalf. I had to realize that as much as I wanted to stay in the role of advocate and protect my clients, there was no protection for me. I was constantly asked to do more, expected to receive less and wasn’t given respect or grace to take breaks in the process. I chose to leave but grieved the loss of my role and the loss of cultivating healthy therapeutic connection with those clients. I accepted that it was time for me to leave and took the necessary steps. I still think about my role there and how the clients were impacted by my presence.
Health
As grief is a constant factor in life, we do grieve the visible/invisible health issues that we may deal with. I have constantly heard people say “I miss when I could do this..” or “I used to love when I could eat this..”. This is a form of grief. We are missing parts of ourselves and our lives that once gave us a positive emotion. Specific to health, we are sometimes forced to accept the changes because we don’t know how a medication will affect our bodies, how long recovery is and other factors. In some cases, there is no recovery, just managing and maintaining. We must learn to adjust and adapt to this new version of the self. So ultimately, we may have a hard time accepting this and experience the stages of grief as we are working to heal.
To sum this up, grief is not synonymous with death. Grief is an experience that has many causes and is not a linear process. If you are experiencing grief or having a hard time, please reach out to someone that you trust or a professional for adequate support.
